A good rule to go by:
Until someone asks for advice, they haven’t primarily come for advice.
They likely haven’t come for a mini sermon, but for a listening ear. Being vulnerable is hard because people are afraid of being looked down on. Lectures typically come “from above” or "from afar" in the sense that the person lecturing appears to be looking down on the person they are speaking to or lobbing expertise from a distance. Lecturing assumes we already know everything there is to know about the person and the situation. It’s careless and prideful.
We are called to come along side one another, not look down on one another as dispensers of information. We are called to listen well.
Another good rule of thumb:
If you’re doing most of the talking, you’re not listening.
We have a desire to feel heard, seen and cared for. When someone is being vulnerable, they are asking to be seen, heard and cared for.
Slow down on dispensing the advice and giving the mini sermon. Listen more than you talk. Ask questions that express genuine care. Make sure the person feels heard and has plenty of time to talk it all out. This is known as the “ministry of presence”. Just being a good friend, a listening ear, a caring brother or sister in Christ.
Naturally, I tend not to move towards the people who will lecture me. Personally, as soon as someone begins lecturing me, I can feel walls immediately go up around my vulnerability.
I can also think of times that I have lectured instead of listened. I can picture their facial expressions and body language changing as I appeared to dispense information from above. I can only imagine how frustrated they must have been to not feel heard. How cold and distant I must have seemed.
Who am I more likely to talk to? Someone who will come alongside me. Someone who won’t talk from above. Someone who embodies the listening compassion of Jesus. Someone who asks meaningful questions.
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